All about me

When I think back to when we first met... things were so simple. There was you & there was me. The world & those people didn't matter. The connection that we had was everything. Then, something happened.

It was lost.

Now, we're here... you there & I'm here. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Angry.
I'm sitting here trying to think... where the FUCK did it all go south?!
I tried to forget...but I think about it every day & it still turns my insides outwards. Still pains me, it's like salt on an open wound. I've tried to let the wound heal...but it just WONT.
Every time this subject comes up, it's a different story.
How you were "played" ... you didn't know what you were doing. When you first told me... you said, you knew EXACTLY what you were doing. But, then you told me a lie too.
Having issues keeping up on your lies? So many that you've told me that you just can't seem to keep up?
My question is you knew what you were doing to not let one thing happen...but you didn't know what you were doing to let another happen?
I'm scared because I'm starting to push you away & just not give a fuck anymore. My dreams don't have you in them, they are of just me & my son; fighting the world just the 2of us.
The 'jokes' lately... I'm starting to wonder if they're God's answers to my prayers. If they are...then I've failed.
I'm torn the fuck up inside about this. I never thought in a million years that it would be like this.
I feel like no matter what I'm getting a double edged sword.
No matter what I say, or do I'm wrong. Seems the only thing I can seem to get right is being a great Mom. But, I guess since his priorities overcome ours; that's not so much of an insult.
I'm trying. I hope you begin to. I don't want this to end with the big D.

I'm stuck. I try to be outgoing, I try to be there; but at the same time I know not to push too hard; because when I'm pushed too hard I shut down & push that person away. I wanna be there to support someone who I don't know very well. But, how? I try to think back to when I had to be there for people face to face & I guess it just came so easy to me. But now, I find it hard to find the right words. The right words to calm, to sympathize, to make smile, to laugh. The right words to make that person feel like they're not alone.
I've found myself in other peoples' shoes a LOT. So, my experience & my advice tends to go a long ways. But how do you get someone to open up to you, when you're not face to face?
It goes back to the pushing part; if I push to hard I think I'll push this person away & this person to shut down. But, I don't want this person to feel as though they are all alone. I may only be 23, 24 coming October; but I've experienced a LOT in my short life. Enough for my friends & even frienemies to come to ME for advice.
I've already reached out & let this person know that I'm there for them. I just know this person NEEDS somebody; but I'm scared to push them too much.

How am I to know when to push & when to stop? Especially when it's not face to face?

Just thoughts...

So I'm headed into work on Wednesday I think it was & it was beautiful out. Bright blue skies, not too hot, a little breeze going & I can't find anything on the radio. So, I tune into 98.5... and there it is. A song that you used to sing; one that if I remember correctly you sang as we were headed to the beach.
I knew when you took me to the beach you were in a great mood. Maybe that's why I love the beach still to this day. Idk.
But, I hear this song & I hear you singing. It's funny too, because every time I hear this mans voice I hear yours too. You had a similar voice, I always thought you had a great voice. But when you got into your "I've gotta be perfect" modes, you sucked.
I want to remember the good times, just the good times. But, when I think what came of right before we went to the beach & what happened after that wonderful day at the beach... that's when I get angry. God says that he cannot forgive me if I cannot forgive you; well, I've forgiven you long ago. Even though I KNEW you would NEVER apologize. And I also know that God says never to hate anybody or anything; but that is so hard for me to do; because I HATE YOU! As much as I've loved you I hate you 100x more!